6/03/02- Unimportant stuff first. Well, the stuff that's not a matter of life-and-death. We'll get to that later!      THIS JUST IN: Easton's Wal*Mart has the infamous Autobot 3-pack of repaints from Beast Machines. The awesomest part of this deal is, you can combine two of the figures to create a winged mechanical T-Rex with lots of guns on him, with a gun for a penis. I kid you not. Transformers rock!         I have bought four Episode II action figures, and they all really suck. Geonosian- First of all, bastard's got a hard name to spell. These are the insect-like aliens that were all over the arena where the major battle happened. At first I was really excited- a cool insect-like alien of my very own, with wings and a staff! Truth is, his staff is really flimsy. I was expecting a rock-hard, lengthy staff, and I got a flimsy, rubbery piece of plastic. When I was done using it, I was... less than fully satisfied. Um, anyways, his wings are pretty cool and insectian, and you can move them around so that he looks like he's flying, or just walking around, or even covering his face when he's embarrassed. And what's a bug alien got to be embarrassed about? DUDE CAN'T STAND UP. His feet are way too small to balance him, no matter what surface he's on. Lame. Literally.      Jango Fett, Camino Escape. This is the Jango that escaped from the cloning facility, after duking it out with Obi-Wan in the rain. I was excited. Removable helmet, so you can reveal his face to the rest of your toys and their gasps of amazement. Twin blasters, just like in the movie, with real holsters on each leg to put them away. The backpack- 1. is removable      2. comes with real, firing missile (the original Boba Fett toy had a missile backpack- but the missile couldn't be fired! This pissed kids off a lot.)     3. Also comes with fake, non-firing missile, so you can make it look exactly like it does in the movie without having it shoot across the room at any provocation, or so you can pretend to be a yourself geting a non-firing Boba Fett in the '80's. 4. has teeny-weeny rockets on the bottom so he can fly around your room, plausibly. Cons? Actually, I guess there's just one- the toy has a grappling hook, and I expected it to be retractable if you pushed a switch or something on his arm. But you can't. It's just a length of string threaded through his arm, with a clamp kind of thing on one end. And there's no real way to wrap it up. I'm just going to cut it off and forget he ever had this miraculous ability. Aside from that, the missile you can shoot at stuff has a hair trigger, so every 2 seconds you'll be running across the room after it. I guess it'll be okay, once I make some... adjustments.      Clone trooper- by the way, each of these is really identical to the movie, and this one is no exception.Pros- You can turn his elbows. He bends at the knees. Comes with a handheld rifle, so you can pretend that his aim is as bad as those Stormtroopers from the original movie.  Also comes with a cannon on a tripod, with missile that really fires. Also comes with a piece of plastic with a peg sticking out of it, so you can have him put his foot on it for improved balance and DYNAMIC POSING ACTION! Cons? A piece of dirt! That's so weird and, frankly, dirty. His handheld rifle simply doesn't fit into his hands for more than a few seconds. All this I could forgive, if his tripod cannon would just STAY TOGETHER. It comes in two pieces, and the trooper is supposed to hold onto the top part to keep it from falling off. Ha! What kind of crappy cannon falls apart unless a clone trooper is holding onto it? Can you imagine how inconvenient this is for them? If they let go, the only weapon they can hold falls apart. So they can't let go of it for any reason, not even to dislodge the huge chunk of dirty on all their left feet.      Super Battle Droid- Good stuff: comes with alternate right arm, so you can replace his regular robot arm with a missile-firing cannon. I like missiles. He has an alternate chest as well, so you can replace the factory-fresh chest with a battle-scarred chest that you can pop one of those blast effects into, like he's just been blasted by an angry clone trooper forever attached to a piece of dirt and a fragile cannon. Also, and this is kinda cool, if you press a button on his back, he explodes! All his parts go flying everywhere (according to the box. In reality, his upper torso shoots off of the legs like his waist turned into TNT. This is good if you decide that the only way to win the war is to shoot all your robots' upper bodies at the enemy.). And the cons- Doesn't stand up. The top is much too heavy, making the figure-- get this-- "top-heavy." Fitting, eh? Also, not enough articulation. The arms move up and down, you switch parts around, and he explodes. I think I'd really like this one if he could just stand up.      In summary, these toys draw you in with their special gimmicks, and then the gimmicks either fail or it falls over.      Wow, reading all that, you would hardly suspect that I saved a kid from drowning, huh? Well sir, it's absolutely true. Now I shall recall a tale that is entirely false and made-up, except that it's true and really happened today. Newspaper people, if you're reading this, you don't have permission to put any of this in your paper.      Today was my first day on my new job as a lifeguard, and no sooner had I gotten into my lifeguard stand, 75 kids run into the darn pool and start jumping and swimming all over the place. Which is fine. I mean, what else would you expect 75 kids to do? Sit down and play canasta?     10 minutes after they all came in, there was some trouble in the deep end (where I was stationed.) A boy was on the bottom of the pool, moving his arms and legs around but clearly not getting off the bottom. At first I thought he was kidding around- trying to freak out everyone else in his class, seeing how long he could hold his breath down there, whatever. Then it became clear that... Christ, I'm writing this like it's one of those "incident reports" everyone had to fill out after the kid was  taken care of. Truth is, a bunch of other kids started yelling "Yo, that kid's drownin yo! He be drowning!" That was a big clue that, yes, he might be drowning down there. A really big clue. So, being the lifeguard, I jumped in and brought him up to the surface. Long story short... well, that's kind of impossible. Never mind. As he was being raised out of the pool, he totally crapped himself. Hey, he was freaked out. But some of it got on my shirt.    Hang on a second, I have to get my shirt out of the car and wash it.    Okay, that's done! So anyhow, after I got him out of the pool, somebody called 911, people wrapped him up in towels, etc... As it turned out, he'd gone into shock, which helps to explain why he pooped in the pool. Apparently he was also foaming at the mouth, which I didn't notice since I was too busy trying to lug him out of there. Sorry to gross you out, gentle readers. I don't know what came over me.     Oh by the way, he was wrapped in two towels once he was taken out of there, and one of them was mine. Well, after I got him out of there and heard he was going into shock, I tried to go get a towel from the closet. You know, since pools usually carry towels for use by patrons. But since I'd only been working there a total of 10 minutes, I didn't know where the facility's towels were, so I grabbed my own towel for him. Such selfless sacrifice!      He was wrapped in two towels. Later, another boy from the school was looking around the pool area for HIS towel. The other lifeguards recognized him as the owner of the other towel the boy was wrapped in. I feel your pain, my brother in losing-a-towel-in-such-a-way-that-it-would-be-awkward-to-ask-for-it-back -ness. I'll probably never see that towel again. That was the towel I used last year to clean up the floor when I dropped a carton of chocolate ice cream. Some of those stains never came out. Oh, the memories...      Well anyhow, he was taken to the hospital for professional care. Oh right, when I brought him out, he was breathing, had a pulse, all of that. Just shock, and some swallowed water. Just so nobody's left in suspense about what happened!      Right, anyhow, the pool had to be closed because of fecal contamination, and after we all cleaned the whole place (for lack of anything better to do, everybody left two hours before my shift was even due to end. I still get paid for those two hours... I think. I think I've compromised my integrity by telling this to my readership. Hey, speaking of integrity, did I tell you about the robot T-Rex with the wings and the penis? I did? Okay, never mind.      It's getting late, and I don't know what else to tell you. Oh, that boy is going to get teased mercilessly tomorrow by the other kids. Think about it-- your school has an end-of-the-year pool party for your school, and you ruin it by forcing the pool to close all day by almost drowning and emptying your bowels into it. Can you imagine how many kids got totally ticked off at him? He's never going to live this down. Poor guy.      I think I've just cemented my position as a worthless human being by making fun of the 10-year-old whose life I saved 13 hours ago. I just made a short list of nicknames the kids are going to give him tomorrow at school. I deleted it, of course. I'm evil, but I'm not going to give everyone with a computer hard proof of this fact.      Then I gassed up my car, and bought four worthless Episode II action figures from Wal*Mart.      In closing, be good to each other, don't overestimate your swimming abilities, and buy Transformers instead of Star Wars stuff. You'll be glad you did. P.S. Batman party on the 14th, my house. Batman, Batman Returns, and a special Bat-surprise that will change your life... forever! 5/30/02- Holy cow, it really has been a while since I've updated this mess of recollections. In no particular order:      The semester is over, and I'm back at home. It's unspeakably depressing to come back home where your mother's room is just a few doors away, as opposed to the distance between us when I was in Boston, which was several states. Fortunately, she didn't completely ruin the entire glad-to-see-you-again vibe again by choosing some minor thing and making it sound like the end of the world, like she did at the beginning of spring break when I told her I'd dropped a course. Hey, I thought it would help me get off of academic probation!      Oh, the probation thing? Yeah, I'm off of that now. The worst grade I got was a C, and there was only one of them. Frankly, I was expecting straight A's and B's. Bah. Whatever!      So, about that girl I was dating- part of the reason, maybe most of the reason, that I haven't updated the journal in... a month and 20 days is that if I were to write anything about anything, it would be about her. And I didn't want to write anything without making sure she'd be okay with whatever I was writing. And since I was too lazy to run every single thought of mine by her before posting it, I just forgot about it. But right before I left for home, we talked about it, and she's letting me write just about anything I want, because she's so nice and easygoing like that. Also, she and I are both aware that nobody reads this garbage, so who cares what I write??      So anyways, here I go. Um, well, all I can really think of to tell is that I was going to go with her to her prom, but towards the end of the semester, whenever I thought about her, it was not with a longing for her company (like it was throughout our relationship until the week before I left for home), but rather with an unfocused sense of dread. I think it stemmed from the lack of passion that was becoming apparent (to me), and my expectation that I would have to fake it in order to avoid a messy breakup. See, at that point, I thought that I could pretend to be enamored enough to sustain the relationship until after her prom, so that she could have a magical dance with someone special, and only afterwards would we have that "I'm leaving so let's break it off" talk.      Know what, it's really late and the prose is getting purple, so I'll cut to the chase. Wednesday before I left, she came over and we saw the truly spectacular Batman movie, based on the old campy TV show. After that, I told her that the passion was just gone for me, and she aknowledged that she suspected as much even when we went to see Spiderman and I wasn't showing as much affection as before. Right around there, we pretty much broke up. I hope all future break-ups are that mutually-understood and easy to get through. We both saw it coming from miles away, it just needed to be stated out loud.      I'm glad that we went out, and that it ended so well. So, now I'm single, and in Easton! Any takers?      Oh right, I ended up not going to her prom, since we weren't a couple anymore and everything. That, and the extra arrangements were getting to be a real hassle.      So, I finished up my finals and had a few extra days to eat food and read comics before it was time to go home. It was hard to say goodbe to it all, especially since I'd always longed for a place where I could go for total isolation, and that single up in the attic of Wren Hall fit the bill pretty well. Also, HIGH-SPEED INTERNET IS GOOD. I knew I was going home to a dial-up connection, so I filled up my hard drive with random videos and crap that I could sift through at home, when downloading large files is simply out of the question.      Pardon me for being so chronological, but I'm compulsive that way. Here at home, the first thing that happens is I'm expected to get a job ASAP. Yes, once again, by command of my mom. But it was a good idea to get an early start on the job-hunt, before they're snatched up by loads of high-schoolers at the end of the public school semester.      Now I've found a job (after a long process of listing the jobs I'd like the most, realizing that I don't want any job, and making a list of jobs I'd hate the least) as a lifeguard at the community pool in Easton. I had to take a few weeks of lifeguarding classes, and take a test in order to be certified as having lifeguarding skills, but that really wasn't bad at all. Oh, but it was kind of bad not having anything to do during the day. Scratch that- it was kind of bad having Mom come home and say "You didn't do ANYTHING all day?" And you know, it still is, but having a full-time job should help with that. Now I'll do nothing all day, but I'll do it by a pool and get paid for it.      No, I'm just kidding! I'm actually going to be hyper-vigilant as a lifeguard so that nobody dies as a result of my negligence. Man, if some infant goes under the surface and drowns because of me, I'm going to be pretty crabby.      A girl here asked me to her prom, but then I didn't get a ticket in time to go. Yeah, I was pretty mad about that, but then I went to a club in DC with Kele Usilton instead. That was AWESOME! Oh exuberance! We were looking for a club that had actually gone out of business 4 years beforehand, so once we discovered its defunct status, we found another 18-and-up club called Black Cat that specialized in that emo rock stuff. Big scene for the gays, but nobody hit on me personally, so I was okay. Actually, upon seeing that Kel and I were the only ones dancing  (with Glo-stix obtained from Easton' Loews hardware store, no less), the DJ decided to play some more rave-type of stuff just for us. Isn't that sweet of him? Anyhow, we had a great big blast, and I was pretty tired the next day.      About a week later, I went to General Tannuki's (which I have now spelled wrong) just to see what was going on there. OK, I was bored. Anyhow, everyone there was really really nice and outgoing! I think I was introduced to every person in that place. Not that I remember all their names, but that's only natural. Apparently they have live music every Thursday night, so I'll have to check that out next time. Especially if I can find someone in Easton to go with me.      Memorial Day, I somehow wormed my way into attending a barbecue cookout conducted by Graype Gellie Productions. Oh, that's basically a bunch of guys from Easton High who like to make movies and obsess about anime in their spare time. And they're a bunch of major kooks, as well! Yuk yuk yuk! Actually, I had an awesome time. Especially when we played "Eye of the Tiger" on a portable stereo and ran behind joggers as an homage to Rocky... oh man, that was hysterical!      Afterwards, Josh Pinski invited me to his house. The place is absolutely amazing- simply full of stuff that guys like us love. And yet, it's also very clean and inviting, and there's a cat. I wanna go back.      Well, that was two days ago. I'll tell you, nothing's happened since then. Oh, Wal*Mart got in a shipment of Transformers- the infamous 2-pack of Autobot motorcycle and Decepticon motorcycle. They've each got weapons that glow menacingly when you press a button, extremely involved backstories, and clear parts of the head designed to channel light out through the eyes, making them appear to glow. A+ on this one, mates! I was going to get some G.I. Joes or a Jango Fett with grappling hook or J. Jonah Jameson from the Spider-Man movie(with weird haircut and desk-pounding action. Desk really shakes!), but those would be totally anti-climactic after these dudes. Go get 'em!      One more thing- the Cambridge movies are vastly superior to Easton's. Screens are much bigger, and the seating is much better.      One more "one more thing"- the community center, home of the ice-skating rink, has an original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game! Go play it!                             4/10/02- Okay, first time updating the journal in about two weeks. Let me give you an earful!      How did my blind date go, two weeks ago? Swimmingly. Her name is Vera, and she's so wonderful that I can't even stand it. We walked all around Harvard Square, and peeked in all the various shops, and ended up the whole thing with Monsoon Wedding at the Kendall theater, and Clueless and Crouching Tiger at her house. This was my first time seeing all of these movies, so it was an interesting evening cinematically.      Oh yeah, she and I seemed to get along rather well, too. Although it was weird meeting her parents on our very first date, and having to explain "yes, I'm a sophomore in college, and I'm dating your daughter." Yeesh. I think I did okay, though- her mom likes me. And MOMS RULE EARTH, so you have to do what they say.      I ended up sleeping on her couch downstairs. I like waking up in other people's houses-- it starts the day off with a sense of adventure. The day afterwards, she came over and I entertained her with my computer. Yes, I'm sure she was very impressed that my life revolves around a box of wires and circuits.      The week afterwards, lots of school-related stuff happened. But hey, that's not unusual for a school week there, folks! I went to a choir rehearsal Monday, when I forgot to bring my music and had to look over my neighbor tenor's shoulder. That turned out fine- I'd always wanted to smell him really really closely, but never had a good excuse to do so.      On an unrelated note, you ever take a really good look at your navel? That's a good, dependable knot the doctor tied in your umbilical cord, huh? A lot of stuff goes wrong with the human body, but that belly button hardly ever comes unravelled. Thank you, belly button, for keeping my guts in.      Oh, Spanish was a real bastard. This means nothing to you, gentle reader, but Thursday I had an oral exam, and a composition due Friday. So that's a lot of work assigned for two days in a row, don't you think? I think. Therefore, I am.      Sorry, I've decided to major in philosophy as well as psychology. But I'm getting to that. Let me lay down what happened in chronological (time) order, wouldja please?      That Friday, I also had a super-huge paper due in Experimental Psych. But I pulled an all-nighter, and called in all my amazing powers of statistical analysis, and it turned out okay. You can see it on the main page, if you like, since I've turned into a guy who has to show people who come to his website every single thing that he does. Um, moving on...      Friday I went to a play in which Vera was the... let me check my program... "Stage Mgr, Asst Director, etc." One of the "etc"s was costume wrangler. She had to get a bunch of wigs for a bunch of guys. I was gladdened when they used the theme from The Brak Show in a cooking segment.      Oh right, the play! It was the Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged), and I highly recommend seeing it if it's put on by competent actors, like this one was. It also helps a lot if you know a thing or two about Shakespeare.      Something unexpected happened during the play, which I can't say was a good thing- one of the actors, while involved in a fake fistfight (fake fistfight, fake fistfight, fake fistfight) got his front tooth knocked up INTO HIS GUM. And yet, he kept on going! He would periodically dab his bleeding mouth with a Kleenex, and keep playing his part. The man was amazing! Anyhow, the dentist is going to slowly pull that tooth back out of his gums over several visits. Then he'll have his toothy back! Yay!      Ben Weisman, you get the official homestead.pronwanker.com Thumbs-up of Approval for Theatrical Bravery. I hope you can see this thumb, because I'm sticking it up as hard as I can.      Afterwards, Vera and I went to a friend's apartment and stayed up really late and watched movies. I committed a minor faux pas in asking her friend an inappropriate question about her significant other, but it didn't totally ruin the evening. He and I talked about DJ Kosheen (in its entirety: Me- "I've heard this before- I think Kosheen's a chick." Him- "Huh. Watch me dance!")      Then all four of us watched a movie I brought-- Transformers, the Movie! I tell you, I have never received such an enthusiastic response upon suggesting this movie. Why doesn't anyone else want to see this? What's wrong with you people?       Anyhow, after that, we watched Neverending Story. I tried to explain exactly why I liked the bullies more than that whiny kid the movie's about. Then I took a nap, somewhere in the middle of it. Then we all went to sleep.      A note- Vera and I slept in the same bed that night, but that's all we did, was sleep. So, all y'all peeps coming at her, asking her to pee on a pregnacy test stick- lay off! Ain't no baby in there. An' if there is, I ain't the daddy! Lord, why am I even writing about this... oh, because it's 5:15 am and I'm staying up all night for no reason, despite the toll it's taking on my sanity. Got it.      Take the joy I get from waking up in another person's house, multiply it by 20, and that's how much I enjoyed sleeping next to Vera. It was really nice and comforting, and I give it two thumbs up. But these aren't the normal thumbs, the ones I put in the air upon tasting a scrumptious sandwich or an entertaining TV commercial. No, these are special thumbs... made of gold! When you consider how hard it is to get enough gold to make two thumbs out of, and then actually sculpt the gold-thumbs, you begin to understand how nice a night that was.      That reminds me, it's been a while since I've seen the James Bond Goldfinger movie.      Saturday she wanted to come over, but I said I was too busy figuring out my courses for next semester. In retrospect, since I ended up just sitting around and-- no, not doing anything else, just sitting around-- I should've let her come over. I've got to learn how to use my time more efficiently, but until then, I've got to learn how to waste my time in ways that are more fun. That would've been fun. Ah well. Wasted opportunities... oh, th' sadness.      Then it was back to my horrible existence as a college student.           Ugh, I still hadn't picked my classes on Monday. And I needed to, that was the thing.  So when I met my advisor, the best I could do was be vague about what I wanted to take after the summer. Then she told me that a bunch of the courses I'm taking towards the psychology major can be used for the various department requirements. Well! That basically means that there are a bunch of courses that I'm going to take which are electives. So I thought, why not use those extra courses to earn an extra major? So I'm going to major in philosophy as well as psychology.      Then, when I checked to see what courses were available, none of them were! I started freaking out! Next semester was in the crapper! So I was crabby about that for most of the day, when the amazing and handy and all-around awesome Sadie pointed out that I was looking at the wrong semester. I need to get her something nice in exchange for that, like... a house.      Which basically brings me to the here and now. Here, my computer in my room. Now, 6 am- that's 2 1/2 hours before I register for my classes. So, I'll get into all of those, and tomorrow (Thursday) I'll find out if I'm living in my preferred building, Metcalf. And I probably am, and I'm really looking forward to it. Oh, and I'll apply to get my job at the library back... Yeah, next semester's shaping up to be *quite* enjoyable.      Anywho, the sun's coming up, so I'm going to take a shower and do class readings for about two hours. Sorry this entry is so long, but I have a tendency towards cataloguing everything, including my life experiences. Alright, I'm out of here. 3/28/02- Ahoy me hearties! Something about a poop deck!      I'm back from spring break. The first thing to greet me is a whole load of work. I'm like, hello? You shouldn't be having tests and papers to do the week after spring break! Get your shit together, Tufts University!      Anywho, I have a paper to write tonight.  What I'm doing right now, writing about stuff, is known as "procrastination."      On the plus side of things, I have a date! No, not with the girl who I used to work with. I thought she was asking me on a date, but she just wants to partake of my wisdom and humorous capabilities. No no, my pets. This special lady is actually a blind date- a fix-up, you might call it. She's a friend of a friend I know personally, so she's only one person removed from me. My hopes are up. I am stoked. Wah. Hoo.        Oh, how was my spring break? My mother did her best to make it an all-out Hellfest for me, but I persevered! I did as I was told, but I didn't let her undermine my self-confidence. And I drank a lot. I especially had a super-fun time with Matt and Bridget, and I'm so proud that they both have websites. Matt, you are the scariest and funniest clown in town. That all-you-can-eat buffet almost became an all-you-can-vomit-because- Matt's-making-you-laugh-so-hard buffet! Ha ha!      Oh, I didn't tell my mom that I got fired from the library, and if you value your life, you won't either. Hmmm... I'm really hoping she doesn't find this site. Oh, why would she? I'm the only one who visits it!      So I applied to four places to work in the summer over the break. She told me to apply to five, but I fool her! She is a dumb! A WINNER IS ME!        So, now I'm back at college. Plum pa plum... nothing else to report. Oh, except I need to manage my time much better so that I can both sleep and get some schoolwork done, instead of forgoing both sleep and school for video games and fudgin' around on the Internet.     I've been listening to lots of MC Chris.  3/15/02, After the entry below- I've replaced my eyes with ice cubes, to stop that annoying burning sensation you get when you pull an all-nighter.      Perhaps I should begin at the beginning. After all, that's when things begin. (Maybe I should say "Before all." Nah.) Since the last entry, stuff has happened... so much stuff. Know what, folks?  Bill Clinton, our former president, decided to come to good ol' Tufts University and deliver a lecture on the war we're in, the situation in the Middle East, and what we can do to prevent another huge World War, this time with nuclear weapons being used by all sides.      Basically, if we increase foreign aid to other countries, it'll show that we're not a huge evil country who only wants to make everyone in the middle east miserable. If we give them money to build schools in the middle east, instead of constantly buying more bombs and jets for use in dropping them, not only will it be much much cheaper, but 3rd-world countries will stop seeing the States as "the Great Satan." Why doesn't George W know about this? I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I think it's because he thinks spending tons of money on the military will boost our economy.  And he's wrong. The war is all about approval ratings. If he really had some courage, he'd be trying to cooperate with middle eastern countries instead of bombing them indiscriminately, hoping that one of those bombs will hit bin Laden.      At any rate, his lecture was on Wednesday, and it was pretty cool to see him give a speech in person. Definitely something to brag about.   However, the only time I could stand inline to get tickets for his speech was Monday morning, which was when I was scheduled to work from 8:30 am to 10:00. I tried to find someone to cover the shift, so I could go get the tickets, but nobody would. So I went and I got the tickets, and when I saw my boss later that day, he told me I was fired.      Oh man, I still don't know what to think about that. I really wasn't expecting to get fired because of one missed shift. Basically, it was a huge shock! I don't react well to changes like that. It's nice that I don't have to get up at 8 for two mornings out of the week, and that I get to sleep in, but it's still a big change. What am I going to do for money after spring break? Suck dick for coke? What about the people I know at work, the people I've developed coworker-bonds with? If I run into one of them on the street, it's going to be really awkward. That is, unless I take the initiative and show that it's not such a huge deal, that I'm a survivor, and that I don't bear any hard feelings.      Even though I kind of do. Hmmmmmmm.      I wish I could have known that missing the shift would get me fired. At least then, I wouldn't have been waiting in line, completely oblivious to the fact that it was going to cost me my job. Ah well. "Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which one piles up first."  The point is, that's in the past. I've got to focus on the future.      And what do I have to look forward to, in the future? I'll TELL you, gentle reader- SPRING BREAK! Hangin' out in good ol' E-town, MD, with my home-slices (who know who they are) and sleeping a whole damn lot, and eating non-cafeteria food... basically taking a break from the whole college ratrace. Did I mention that I've had a bunch of midterm papers and exams over the past few weeks? Alas, it is all too true. On the flip side of the coin, Aw yeah, it is all too over! Yeah buddy!      Oh yeah, a girl asked me out on a date yesterday. I know! I was in total shock when I figured out that she had just asked me on a date. I know! I was just like, what now? Who date what? LOL!!!!1      Ironically, she works where I used to work oh-so-very-recently. I guess she wanted to ask me out before, but didn't, because it would've been one of those office romances that never work out. Or so I've heard. I've never worked with anyone attractive enough to get involved with before. Do you hear that, ACME employees? You are all ugly stupids! Some of you are fat chicks in deli hats!      Maybe that last comment needs some explanation. I used to work as a delicatessen clerk at my friendly local ACME market. Boy, it sucked out loud. The only good thing about that job was that I escape with all of my fingers intact. Oh, we were working with these meat-slicing machines all day. If you slip up, you could lose a good portion of one of your fingers. Yeah, that was a high-prestige job, alright...      But that's the past. That whole ranting, going-off-on-tangents thing? That's all past us now. Now there is nothing but the limitless horizon... that is to say, limitless hours on nights and weekends with Verizon!      What else, what else... oh, I just finished writing a paper about how John Stuart Mill (19th-century philosopher and gynecologist to the stars) would react to the movie Educating Rita (starring Michael Caine, some British broad, and a tribe of cyber-ninjas) and the motivations of the main character. If you're a really sick, twisted, demented individual, you can read it here(14 kb).   I called the file "Educating Mill." How fucking clever is that?      Besides all that, I have this weekend to basically sit around and do nothing, and then I get on the train to come home and sit around and do nothing except sleep. Well, that's not technically true- I'm also going to drink booze.  For those of you who are curious, I'm going to be boozing and snoozing from this Monday (the 18th) until the Sunday after that (the 24th). If you're in the area, feel free as a motherfucker to drop by, say hello, and be tied to a table rigged with a death device that probably won't work while I detail all of the steps of my elaborate scheme to rule the world, then leave the room so you can disarm the DeathKiller device and hit the self-destruct button on my secret underground base, effectively foiling my plot. Until the sequel, that is.      Where the hell did that come from?      Anyhow, this should help you get in touch with me.      Random observations: I'm enjoying writing and writing and writing, even though I feel more like sleeping. Then again, sleeping I'm good at. I could stand to write some more.      I've borrowed one of the Sandman Chronicles to read over the break. So far, it's pretty good. What smells like oranges in here?      Oh... rotten oranges. Deeeeee-lish!      Yeah, I think I'll yak at you people later. Pax out. Music: Catch, by Kosheen (which you can download here, should you so desire) 3/15/02- Why not make the font slightly bigger? Who's it going to hurt?   Wow, that has to be the lamest opening line of any journal entry ever. I'm going to come back with something more interesting. 3/09/02- This just in: see John Kricfalusi (creator of Ren & Stimpy)'s take on the Jetsons! Holy cats! This is going to air tomorrow on Adult Swim, but once I saw the links I just couldn't help myself. See part one here and part two here. Flash plugin required.   Anyhow, I've been inside all day watching 5 movies. Those movies? What are they?!? 1. Crumb- a pretty cool documentary about Robert Crumb, underground omics artist. At the very least, it's got a lot of drawings of naked women. Mostly it's pretty disturbing, since the guy likes to draw pretty disturbing stuff, mostly unflattering or demeaning depictions of women. Still a good flick, I'd say... it's directed by the same guy who directed Ghost World, which was damn awesome. 2. Invaders from Mars- an early sci-fi flick from the '50's. I guess it was good for its time, but it's really dated now. Really, really dated. But it was worth it, to see the alien that the news announcer in the Brak Show was based on. "You don't know anything! You're a fool!" 3. Spanking the Monkey- Um... it won a lot of awards at the Sundance Film Festival, but it's still very, very disturbing, since it's about a guy who has sex with his mom, then tries to kill himself, then almost has sex with her again, then tries to kill himself, then tries to have sex with her again, then tries to kill her... oh man. Get this one only if you have some kind of interest in incest. That's right, an incest interest. 4. Candide- a Leonard Bernstein musical based on a novel by Voltaire. It would've been really really good, except what I got wasn't a real stage production. It was just a bunch of choir people singing the parts of all the characters, minus all the dialogue, costumes, sets, and characters-being-played-by-different-people. So it was kind of hard to follow. 5. Beneath the Planet of the Apes- the second part of the original Planet of the Apes saga. Apes! Carlton Heston! An underground society of mutants with "strange powers of the mind" who all worship an unexploded atomic bomb! This is one part of the rockin' good saga of the Planet of the Apes, if you'll ignore the abominable fifth movie. That's the one where, somehow, apes and humans learn to live together in love and harmony, even though it actually takes place before the first movie. You remember the first Apes movie, where apes have enslaved countless numbers of humans? Yeah fifth movie, you seem to have forgotten to explain how and why that actually fucking happens!  But this one, the second one, is really good.   So! Um...    In a little over a week, I'll be back in good ol' Easton, Maryland. Man, I am ACHING for spring break. This whole "college" thing is really starting to grate on my nerves, especially these midterm exams and essays. Damn you, midterms! Damn you all to hell!   Well, I think I'll get up out of my comfy chair, and go take a shower. I'm beginning to smell like an ape. 3/09/02- Let's face it, I fucking love Adult Swim. And that's all I think I'm going to say about that.   Two people who signed my guestbook weren't really people. Spooky huh? (Sorry to start off with such a nerdy topic, but bear with me.) Apparently, it's good for your business if you go and sign random people's guestbooks. I'll bet they didn't even get a real person to do it- some program is going around finding guestbooks and signing 'em. You'll notice that they signed "I Like Your Guestbook!" and "This is the nicest gbook I've ever seen." First of all, why capitalize every word? Second of all, why abbreviate 'guestbook' to 'gbook'? Does it take up too much space in your program code, guestbook-signing program?   Also notice, they don't say they like my website. Just the guestbook. Apparently, this is so that, when the program is goin' around signing stuff, it doesn't sign the guestbook of someone who doesn't have a website. What kind of person gets a guestbook, but doesn't have a website? If you have a guestbook, but not a website, I think you deserve to have an impersonal program make a wry comment on the fact that you're only smart enough to make a place where your online loser friends can write stuff showing how much they pretend to like you, but not smart enough to offer anything creative to the world. Way 2 go, cyber-LOSER!   Well sir, I'm going to keep them around. I like machines, and now machines like me. It's like a full-circle kind of thing.   More on this later- I've got to pause my plans of watching 5 movies in one day while sitting on my ass, since I've been invited to dinner. More rants later on tonight, cyber-LOSER! REALLY OLD ENTRIES START AROUND HERE 12/9/01- Wow journal, I started an online journal today! But of course, you knew that... you're my journal! ROTFLMAO!   Okay, let me start over. I got a lot of noize in my head, but I can actually get some work done today, theoretically.   Hey, my daddy calls me! I talk to him now. Goodbye! Mood: Hungry for poopy poo Music: Bummy, by Aphex Twin 12/9/01, Later- Wow, a call from my dad... that was interesting. See, my mom and dad divorced when I was 2 years old, and my mom and I moved to Easton, MD. Now I'm going to collage at Tufts University(Yes, collage... I'm pasted to a piece of construction paper, along with a bunch of magazine clippings), and he's just half an hour away by car. I can actually make a call to him, and have it be a local call!   So, we talked about this, that, and the other. Some trivial shit, like the weather, our respective job, classes. And some more important... shtuff, like the passing away of his mother (my grandmother), the $4417 he's got in the bank for me when I turn 21 (Yes!), the two cousins on his side that I knew virtually nothing about, etc.   In other news, a week of finals, papers, and midterm retakes fast approaches. I actually intended to write a paper today... well, I can outline it today and write it tomorrow, or something. You know, I actually should have taken a year off before I came to Tufts- or I should have gone to a different university, like a nerdier but friendlier one. Ah well.   Yesterday, Anastasia came over, and I <3 how she noticed all the little details inherent in such a pathetically trendy college! That was just the shot in the arm I needed to realize that I'm not a freak, I'm the lone non-trendy guy here. Well, at least in my suite. Yippee, I have a brain and stuff!   Got in a snowball fight earlier today... it was scheduled for 3:00. They scheduled a snowball fight. I had to bump up my 3:30 snow angel-making session to 4:00. Sheezis. Nevertheless, it was fun.   I think that's enough for one day... Bai bai! Music- 4 by Aphex Twin Mood- I have moods? 12/10/01- Hey guys! Um... stuff. I'm on the phone with a girl from back home, who I'm hoping to go out with this summer.   Why can I not stop saying "poopy"?   Watch Invader Zim. Like here and stuff. 12/11/01- What have I done today? I took a quiz that I missed when it was given in class. I've worried. I ate lunch, and dinner. I contemplated the things I should have done, like my laundry, emailing my mom so she would buy me a ticket home from college, writing a paper so that I won't fail Intro to Philosophy, and taking a shower. Nothing productive.   Now I come back to my dorm room, and the assholes in my suite are getting drunk and listening to the equivalent of "Jock Jams." Rather than do anything that I should do, I'm going to go to a "Student Film Festival." Maybe it will lessen the depression and the misanthropy...   Oh no, I'm 10 minutes late! Ba-leave! Music: "Who let the Dogs Out" by Satan Mood: Indicative (foreign languages in-joke. Go bite me.) 12/11/01, later- Uh, the film thing was yesterday. Now I can do my laundry, email my mom, etc. Know what, as soon as my whites and darks are done, I'm going to go join the naked quad run thing. Maybe I'll get drunk enough to forget that I hate everyone (note: that doesn't take a lot.)   Oh yeah, I meant to put the latest entry into this thing at the top, but I forgot, and "Sitebuilder" doesn't let you cut and paste anything. Kind of sucks. ANNOUNCEMENT: The latest entries will be on the bottom of the page! Yay!   I'm feeling a little better, if only for the fact that my laundry's being a-washed.... yeah, that's it. Only reason. Oh, and everyone in the suite left to go get drunker somewhere else! Ya!   If I do go run around the quad naked, as the tradition goes, I just hope I'm not doing it completely by myself. Naked and alone? That's the textbook definition of sad right there. Music: Wolfsheim Mood: Could it be... hopeful? Hopefully not misanthropic. 12/12/01- Last night was... well, I don't regret it as much as I thought I would. Mostly I'm happy that I made some new friends. They are friendly to me, these friends.   Want a good grade in Latin... Don't want to study for it. Story of my life! I very much want to go home. An exam tomorrow, another the day after, two papers and an exam on Monday. Wheee hoo! Music: Playgirl, by Ladytron Mood: Overwhelmed, but denying it. 12/13/01- Cluh, I'm headachey. I woke up this morning to a cold and a Latin 3 exam. I didn't bring a Kleenex to the exam... so I had to blow my nose with the answer key, then I asked for a new one, and they accused me of cheating and had to give me a zero. So I'm going to fail the course.   Ha ha, that was a fun little fantasy! In fact, I just had the sniffles through the exam. I think I did okay, as in, I don't think they'll kick me out of the school based on my performance on it. The worst part of this morning was actually waking up and having practically no hearing in my left ear. Scary scary! Of course it was a side effect of the cold, but I thought I'd damaged my hearing with the earplugs that I wear to bed (since my suitemates are so damn loud. Cocks!).   Then I had to walk to the bank, in punishingly cold weather. I wanted someone to shoot my mucus-filled head.   But hey, I was disease-free this semester up until now, which is pretty good for a guy with no parental or roommate-al supervision.   Oh, and there was an article mentioning me in our humor magazine, The Zamboni. It felt really weird.   Not to mention, I have two exams and two papers to take care of in the next four days, and I'm supposed to eat dinner with my dad on Tuesday even though I haven't seen him in a year, and when I do come home I'll have to impress the first girlfriend I've had in two years that I'm a good boyfriend.   My official mood is now nervous! Music: Meat Beat Manifesto- Everything Counts Mood: Nervous (officially) 12/15/01- This paper haunts me. I try to write it...and it resists! What kind of demonic paper resists being written?   I went to South Station this morning to buy my train tickets home and back here again... I can't wait until I use them. To go home. On the train. For further explanation, email frogurt42@hotmail.com I say!   So then I came back and screwed around 'til 8 in the evening, when we started a movie marathon across campus (our "Pythonathon"). That went pretty well- we saw Waiting for Guffman and Transformers: the Movie. Look, they're all underliney.   And I got some booze to take with me back home. I will be a hero to the people who know me personally, are underage, and do not know how to obtain alcohol aside from legal means! Don't laugh, I was just like that in high school. And still am.   I thought of a title for my next polka album: "Do the Hokey Polka." Yeah. It's coming to a music store near you, wherever fine nonexistent albums are sold.   Anyways, I'm going to get back to this paper I'm writing before I die of bad grades. Music: State Songs, by John Linnell Mood: Well, tired. Duh. 12/17/01- Ha ha ha ha ha! I defeat you, two papers! I have conquered an intro course. Truly, I am superior. Universal conquest is mine!   Seriously though, I had to stay up two nights in a row to write those bastards. I went from "wow, it's funny the kinds of things you say when you stay up all night" to "I should kill myself." Oh yeah, I talked about death a lot, the past two nights. It was a really weird trend- I would try to plot out the course of a paragraph, then I would look away and think about death. At one point, I motivated myself to write the rest of a paper with the following thought: "I'll just write it until I die" and "Maybe this next paragraph will kill me... that would be good."   At any rate, they're handed in, and I can resume the life of a crime-fighting octopus-boy once more. Huzzah!   Soon I'll be going home for the winter break, so you can expect a big gap in entries in this thing until maybe mid-January. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sleep.   Until I die. 12/19/01- I am a ninja pooper from the future. In my time, ninjas are all but *wiped out* (note: you have just witnessed a bad joke made by a crazy boy. Made of corn. The boy, not the joke.).   Um, I'm actually cleaning up my room so that I can find the right stuff to pack when I leave for home tomorrow. Yep. Expect a big gap in the time between this lil' entry and the next one, dial-up at home is the explanation.   I had a thought the other day: people should disagree more. To be more specific, friends should disagree with each other more. Being friends with someone shouldn't guarantee that you agree with everything they say.   Random sequence of observations:   I can't wait to go home and watch Golden Girls with my mom!   Wow, I really do need to pack...   Is easily-stylable hair a superpower? If it is, I'm a superhero. The hair-gel gendarme!   Hello! My name is bingo, I like to climb on things! Can i have a banana? Eek eek.   If you watch Josie and the Pussycats: the movie, you will be impervious to all advertising for the rest of your life. Really. See, it's an ANTI-commercial movie.   What the hell was the original JatP about?   I abbreviate Josie and the Pussycats real good!   Soon I will achieve my lifelong goal of having antennae. I bought some hair gel.   Always remember to put your vodka in two pairs of socks. Otherwise, it's going to break.   What's going on with the band Mechanical Janitors? Are they a cult?   I love the Onion.   And when I woke up, my pillow was gone!   I don't understand nicknames.   Pardon me, I thought "Bamboozled" was a comedy. Lighten up, Spike Lee! </randomness>   Anyways, I was going to have dinner with my dad today, but he got some kind of flu and he couldn't do it. Oh well, there's always next year...   It's kind of ironic that people plan to do this stuff during finals, like dinners with relatives and trips to local goth clubs It's only the busiest time in a student's semester, finals are. At any rate, I still have to pack and figure out how I'm going to wake up early enough to leave for the train. It's amazing- I had dinner, and now I don't even feel like moving. I would take a nap, but I covered my bed with books when I was looking for the stuff I want to read at home. Oh such a dilemma!   This is funny- I set my alarm for 8 this morning so I could go to work, but I accidentally set it for 8 pm. So I slept through my shift, and now it's 8 at night and the darn thing goes off. Dadgummit!   I'm going to really get cracking here, peoples... I leave! 1/20/02- Am I back? OH FUCK YES!   Holy mackerel, I haven't updated this site in over a month! I feel like the worst guy in the world. Hey wait a minute... this is proof that I have a life. Take that, everyone who has gotten the impression that I am a dork! (Note: the phrase "who has gotten the impression that I am a dork" is superfluous in the preceding sentence. It's everyone.) (Note: that whole digression was dum. Sorry.)   Anyways, what the hell! Winter break was fun fun. Mostly. Mostly I rented movies and watched them lying on the floor of my room, a bottle of vodka in one hand and myself in the other. Woo hoo!   Of course, the main reason I put a VCR in my room in the first place was to watch porn. God, I love porn. I've also discovered this site, which fucking kicks ass. I have resolved to kick more ass this new year!   Speaking of new year's and kicking ass, my new year's kicked ass. I was in a hot tub with a bunch of hot chicks. Then we watched some bad movies (in my opinion) (Moulin Rouge and Jurassic Park 3. JP3 was watchable, but Moulin Rouge cannibalized other songs for its musical numbers and had no shot lasting more than 3/4 of a second.) And then we drank champagne. Of course, like a true gentleman, I took advantage of none of them because they are all my close friends and their parents would KICK MY ASS if I did.   Boy, it all comes back to kicking ass, doesn't it? Ass-kicking is the glue which holds the world together.   When I got back to my dorm room, I plugged in my computer, pushed the on button... and nothing happened. Long story short, I had to order a new part, open up the big box thing, take out the old part and put the new one in. So arduous! But anyhow, it's working quite properly now.   And yet, I have to wonder... is this damned contraption going to sap my will to the point where I don't hang out with actual people or go outside until late, late at night when the bright sun will not burn itself into my bloodshot eyes?   Naaaaahhh!!   So, my courses are picked, I know what times of the week I'm working, and I'm actually studying sporadically. I think I'm going to be... *dramatic pause* okay.   PRESIDENT BUSH IS A BAD PRESIDENT. HE WANTS TO USE LAND MINES. LAND MINES INJURE MORE INNOCENT PEOPLE THAN BAD GUYS. Plus, I'm getting sick of looking at American flags everywhere I go. Mood: un-fucking-patriotic, but otherwise okay Music: Melodies from Mars, by Aphex Twin P.S. My pet project now is to get a credit card. With a credit card, I can afford a better site, with more pages, more space for mp3s (or short movies) and NO POP-UP ADS. No ads of any sort, in fact... I've got to get a credit card. 1/21/02- It's 2:30 in the morning, but at least I've made some minor cosmetic changes to a website that gets like 5 hits a week. All from me.   Seriously, I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one who comes here. For what it's worth, I think it's a damn good site. I intend to visit it again!   It's nice to get feedback from my reader.... me. Well, I have to get to bed so I can get up at 10 to work a scant half-hour. Why just half an hour? It's a long story. Wait, it's a stupid story. That's why I'm not telling it. Mood: Shit fuck God I'm in hell lovely. Music: b001e- Everyday is Halloween 1/27/02- On the plus side, I've been getting a lot more sleep lately. It's hard to adjust to getting up at 8 to work 2 days out of the week, and at 9 for classes 3 days of the week. Last semester, I never got out of bed before 11. So of course... it's hard to adjust!   I'm also getting out a lot more than I used to, mostly due to the influence of two lovely ladies on campus. You know, it's really nice not to be a hermit! Went out drinking last night with one of them and her friends, and it was fairly enjoyable. Hell, I'd even say it was fun! Yahoo I had fun bla bla yay!   I almost stayed in that night to update my site, but then I thought, "My God, that's the lamest thing I've ever thought. Go out and have a life, boy!"   Meanwhile, my teacher from last semester gave me an Incomplete for his class. I freaked out, sent him an email asking for an explanation, and he said my grade would be fixed to something Complete as soon as he graded a quiz of mine. Guess what? It's two weeks into the new semester, and for all intents and purposes, I still have an Incomplete. Get on the ball, Professor! Grade that shit already!   Invader Zim, the coolest cartoon on television, is being cancelled. Go here for all the episodes they've aired so far.   Anyhow, I'm going to update the music on the main page, and then go put some food in me. 2/19/02- Oh man. So much has happened... so very much. I'm goin to try and work backwards in describing all the stuff which has happened to my person (i.e. me).   Well, I stayed up all through last night to write a paper for class, but it unexpectedly turned out to be a good paper. Of course I was wiped out the rest of the day, and I am struggling even now to remain conscious. Hey, Mountain Dew!   I enjoyed this past 3-day weekend- although I didn't exactly go out and party (which I hardly ever do in the first place), I did buy a bunch of those long skinny balloons, and I made a bunch of balloon animals! Yeah buddy! Sunday night, I made a balloon doggie, and a balloon wrist-guard thing, and I kind of combined them into a balloon poodle raygun. Pew pew pew! Pewdle! (3 sound effects and a pun)   I've been downloading a lot of Space Ghost eipsodes off of Morpheus (a popular file-sharing program). In fact, I've been doing it so much that it's edging out playing Super Mario World as the thing I do to avoid studying or doing homework. Especially since I beat King Koopa... man, it's all downhill from here.   Reflecting on the Morpheus and the Super Nintendo-playing I keep doing to avoid work... I'm beginning to think that's bad. Bad in that, not only does it keep me from interacting with people, but it's also not even remotely constructive (like this here site). It's just, sitting around playing games and watching cartoons. That's fine as an occasional diversion, but I've been using it as a means of escape from my life. My LIFE. And all the duties, surprises, joys, etc that come with it. I can't keep doing that. I can't keep escaping into a sort of computerized numbness when I don't feel like thinking or feeling.   Some people are self-motivated- they go out every day and face the challenges put in front of them, and they love every second of it That is NOT me. I have little confidence that I can defeat the obstacles thrown in my way by life. I am ruled by fear- fear of ridicule, fear of failure, and so on and so on. I'd like to say "But not anymore!" here, but habits aren't that easy to snap out of. There are no easy answers.   I suppose I will take more control of my life. If being in charge of my own destiny doesn't give me the confidence need to be happy... well, I suppose I'm just totally fucked. P.S. The next time you want to say "I'm totally fucked," say "I'm totally fisted" instead. It works really well if you make the accompanying hand gesture (make a fist, and jam it up an imaginary orifice) at the same time. You'll be thought of as clever and original, even though I actually came up with it. P.P.S. I could use this forum to bitch about a specific person I know- let's call her "Steve"- but Steve might read this and then she'd get all upset. So if you want to, you could come up to me and say "Hey, what's the deal with this 'Steve' girl?" and then I would tell you all about how Steve done me wrong. Unless you are Steve. In which case, it's going to be awkward between you and me, Steve-a-rino. Especially since you're a girl with a guy's name. But that's not my fault, now is it, Steve? 2/23/02- Oh my... I was rather bitter when I wrote that last P.P.S. And I think I punctuated PPS wrong, too. Oh Steve, I'm sorry. I love you! Let's never fight again.   Meanwhile, I've got to find a party tonight with girls and booze, or I'm going to go nuts. In fact, what am I doing at this here computer?   Oh right, it's 5 pm. Damn.   I want to start a new page on this site, but I can only have 3 maximum. I think I'll start working on a links page (since everyone and their mother has one on their sites). 3/9/02- I'm going to do something retarded, and put all the most recent entries at the TOP of this page from now on. Go up!   ~~ End Transmission. OR: Transmission in Remission. ~~

6/03/02- Unimportant stuff first. Well, the stuff that's not a matter of life-and-death. We'll get to that later!      THIS JUST IN: Easton's Wal*Mart has the infamous Autobot 3-pack of repaints from Beast Machines. The awesomest part of this deal is, you can combine two of the figures to create a winged mechanical T-Rex with lots of guns on him, with a gun for a penis. I kid you not. Transformers rock!         I have bought four Episode II action figures, and they all really suck. Geonosian- First of all, bastard's got a hard name to spell. These are the insect-like aliens that were all over the arena where the major battle happened. At first I was really excited- a cool insect-like alien of my very own, with wings and a staff! Truth is, his staff is really flimsy. I was expecting a rock-hard, lengthy staff, and I got a flimsy, rubbery piece of plastic. When I was done using it, I was... less than fully satisfied. Um, anyways, his wings are pretty cool and insectian, and you can move them around so that he looks like he's flying, or just walking around, or even covering his face when he's embarrassed. And what's a bug alien got to be embarrassed about? DUDE CAN'T STAND UP. His feet are way too small to balance him, no matter what surface he's on. Lame. Literally.      Jango Fett, Camino Escape. This is the Jango that escaped from the cloning facility, after duking it out with Obi-Wan in the rain. I was excited. Removable helmet, so you can reveal his face to the rest of your toys and their gasps of amazement. Twin blasters, just like in the movie, with real holsters on each leg to put them away. The backpack- 1. is removable      2. comes with real, firing missile (the original Boba Fett toy had a missile backpack- but the missile couldn't be fired! This pissed kids off a lot.)     3. Also comes with fake, non-firing missile, so you can make it look exactly like it does in the movie without having it shoot across the room at any provocation, or so you can pretend to be a yourself geting a non-firing Boba Fett in the '80's. 4. has teeny-weeny rockets on the bottom so he can fly around your room, plausibly. Cons? Actually, I guess there's just one- the toy has a grappling hook, and I expected it to be retractable if you pushed a switch or something on his arm. But you can't. It's just a length of string threaded through his arm, with a clamp kind of thing on one end. And there's no real way to wrap it up. I'm just going to cut it off and forget he ever had this miraculous ability. Aside from that, the missile you can shoot at stuff has a hair trigger, so every 2 seconds you'll be running across the room after it. I guess it'll be okay, once I make some... adjustments.      Clone trooper- by the way, each of these is really identical to the movie, and this one is no exception.Pros- You can turn his elbows. He bends at the knees. Comes with a handheld rifle, so you can pretend that his aim is as bad as those Stormtroopers from the original movie.  Also comes with a cannon on a tripod, with missile that really fires. Also comes with a piece of plastic with a peg sticking out of it, so you can have him put his foot on it for improved balance and DYNAMIC POSING ACTION! Cons? A piece of dirt! That's so weird and, frankly, dirty. His handheld rifle simply doesn't fit into his hands for more than a few seconds. All this I could forgive, if his tripod cannon would just STAY TOGETHER. It comes in two pieces, and the trooper is supposed to hold onto the top part to keep it from falling off. Ha! What kind of crappy cannon falls apart unless a clone trooper is holding onto it? Can you imagine how inconvenient this is for them? If they let go, the only weapon they can hold falls apart. So they can't let go of it for any reason, not even to dislodge the huge chunk of dirty on all their left feet.      Super Battle Droid- Good stuff: comes with alternate right arm, so you can replace his regular robot arm with a missile-firing cannon. I like missiles. He has an alternate chest as well, so you can replace the factory-fresh chest with a battle-scarred chest that you can pop one of those blast effects into, like he's just been blasted by an angry clone trooper forever attached to a piece of dirt and a fragile cannon. Also, and this is kinda cool, if you press a button on his back, he explodes! All his parts go flying everywhere (according to the box. In reality, his upper torso shoots off of the legs like his waist turned into TNT. This is good if you decide that the only way to win the war is to shoot all your robots' upper bodies at the enemy.). And the cons- Doesn't stand up. The top is much too heavy, making the figure-- get this-- "top-heavy." Fitting, eh? Also, not enough articulation. The arms move up and down, you switch parts around, and he explodes. I think I'd really like this one if he could just stand up.      In summary, these toys draw you in with their special gimmicks, and then the gimmicks either fail or it falls over.      Wow, reading all that, you would hardly suspect that I saved a kid from drowning, huh? Well sir, it's absolutely true. Now I shall recall a tale that is entirely false and made-up, except that it's true and really happened today. Newspaper people, if you're reading this, you don't have permission to put any of this in your paper.      Today was my first day on my new job as a lifeguard, and no sooner had I gotten into my lifeguard stand, 75 kids run into the darn pool and start jumping and swimming all over the place. Which is fine. I mean, what else would you expect 75 kids to do? Sit down and play canasta?     10 minutes after they all came in, there was some trouble in the deep end (where I was stationed.) A boy was on the bottom of the pool, moving his arms and legs around but clearly not getting off the bottom. At first I thought he was kidding around- trying to freak out everyone else in his class, seeing how long he could hold his breath down there, whatever. Then it became clear that... Christ, I'm writing this like it's one of those "incident reports" everyone had to fill out after the kid was  taken care of. Truth is, a bunch of other kids started yelling "Yo, that kid's drownin yo! He be drowning!" That was a big clue that, yes, he might be drowning down there. A really big clue. So, being the lifeguard, I jumped in and brought him up to the surface. Long story short... well, that's kind of impossible. Never mind. As he was being raised out of the pool, he totally crapped himself. Hey, he was freaked out. But some of it got on my shirt.    Hang on a second, I have to get my shirt out of the car and wash it.    Okay, that's done! So anyhow, after I got him out of the pool, somebody called 911, people wrapped him up in towels, etc... As it turned out, he'd gone into shock, which helps to explain why he pooped in the pool. Apparently he was also foaming at the mouth, which I didn't notice since I was too busy trying to lug him out of there. Sorry to gross you out, gentle readers. I don't know what came over me.     Oh by the way, he was wrapped in two towels once he was taken out of there, and one of them was mine. Well, after I got him out of there and heard he was going into shock, I tried to go get a towel from the closet. You know, since pools usually carry towels for use by patrons. But since I'd only been working there a total of 10 minutes, I didn't know where the facility's towels were, so I grabbed my own towel for him. Such selfless sacrifice!      He was wrapped in two towels. Later, another boy from the school was looking around the pool area for HIS towel. The other lifeguards recognized him as the owner of the other towel the boy was wrapped in. I feel your pain, my brother in losing-a-towel-in-such-a-way-that-it-would-be-awkward-to-ask-for-it-back -ness. I'll probably never see that towel again. That was the towel I used last year to clean up the floor when I dropped a carton of chocolate ice cream. Some of those stains never came out. Oh, the memories...      Well anyhow, he was taken to the hospital for professional care. Oh right, when I brought him out, he was breathing, had a pulse, all of that. Just shock, and some swallowed water. Just so nobody's left in suspense about what happened!      Right, anyhow, the pool had to be closed because of fecal contamination, and after we all cleaned the whole place (for lack of anything better to do, everybody left two hours before my shift was even due to end. I still get paid for those two hours... I think. I think I've compromised my integrity by telling this to my readership. Hey, speaking of integrity, did I tell you about the robot T-Rex with the wings and the penis? I did? Okay, never mind.      It's getting late, and I don't know what else to tell you. Oh, that boy is going to get teased mercilessly tomorrow by the other kids. Think about it-- your school has an end-of-the-year pool party for your school, and you ruin it by forcing the pool to close all day by almost drowning and emptying your bowels into it. Can you imagine how many kids got totally ticked off at him? He's never going to live this down. Poor guy.      I think I've just cemented my position as a worthless human being by making fun of the 10-year-old whose life I saved 13 hours ago. I just made a short list of nicknames the kids are going to give him tomorrow at school. I deleted it, of course. I'm evil, but I'm not going to give everyone with a computer hard proof of this fact.      Then I gassed up my car, and bought four worthless Episode II action figures from Wal*Mart.      In closing, be good to each other, don't overestimate your swimming abilities, and buy Transformers instead of Star Wars stuff. You'll be glad you did. P.S. Batman party on the 14th, my house. Batman, Batman Returns, and a special Bat-surprise that will change your life... forever! 5/30/02- Holy cow, it really has been a while since I've updated this mess of recollections. In no particular order:      The semester is over, and I'm back at home. It's unspeakably depressing to come back home where your mother's room is just a few doors away, as opposed to the distance between us when I was in Boston, which was several states. Fortunately, she didn't completely ruin the entire glad-to-see-you-again vibe again by choosing some minor thing and making it sound like the end of the world, like she did at the beginning of spring break when I told her I'd dropped a course. Hey, I thought it would help me get off of academic probation!      Oh, the probation thing? Yeah, I'm off of that now. The worst grade I got was a C, and there was only one of them. Frankly, I was expecting straight A's and B's. Bah. Whatever!      So, about that girl I was dating- part of the reason, maybe most of the reason, that I haven't updated the journal in... a month and 20 days is that if I were to write anything about anything, it would be about her. And I didn't want to write anything without making sure she'd be okay with whatever I was writing. And since I was too lazy to run every single thought of mine by her before posting it, I just forgot about it. But right before I left for home, we talked about it, and she's letting me write just about anything I want, because she's so nice and easygoing like that. Also, she and I are both aware that nobody reads this garbage, so who cares what I write??      So anyways, here I go. Um, well, all I can really think of to tell is that I was going to go with her to her prom, but towards the end of the semester, whenever I thought about her, it was not with a longing for her company (like it was throughout our relationship until the week before I left for home), but rather with an unfocused sense of dread. I think it stemmed from the lack of passion that was becoming apparent (to me), and my expectation that I would have to fake it in order to avoid a messy breakup. See, at that point, I thought that I could pretend to be enamored enough to sustain the relationship until after her prom, so that she could have a magical dance with someone special, and only afterwards would we have that "I'm leaving so let's break it off" talk.      Know what, it's really late and the prose is getting purple, so I'll cut to the chase. Wednesday before I left, she came over and we saw the truly spectacular Batman movie, based on the old campy TV show. After that, I told her that the passion was just gone for me, and she aknowledged that she suspected as much even when we went to see Spiderman and I wasn't showing as much affection as before. Right around there, we pretty much broke up. I hope all future break-ups are that mutually-understood and easy to get through. We both saw it coming from miles away, it just needed to be stated out loud.      I'm glad that we went out, and that it ended so well. So, now I'm single, and in Easton! Any takers?      Oh right, I ended up not going to her prom, since we weren't a couple anymore and everything. That, and the extra arrangements were getting to be a real hassle.      So, I finished up my finals and had a few extra days to eat food and read comics before it was time to go home. It was hard to say goodbe to it all, especially since I'd always longed for a place where I could go for total isolation, and that single up in the attic of Wren Hall fit the bill pretty well. Also, HIGH-SPEED INTERNET IS GOOD. I knew I was going home to a dial-up connection, so I filled up my hard drive with random videos and crap that I could sift through at home, when downloading large files is simply out of the question.      Pardon me for being so chronological, but I'm compulsive that way. Here at home, the first thing that happens is I'm expected to get a job ASAP. Yes, once again, by command of my mom. But it was a good idea to get an early start on the job-hunt, before they're snatched up by loads of high-schoolers at the end of the public school semester.      Now I've found a job (after a long process of listing the jobs I'd like the most, realizing that I don't want any job, and making a list of jobs I'd hate the least) as a lifeguard at the community pool in Easton. I had to take a few weeks of lifeguarding classes, and take a test in order to be certified as having lifeguarding skills, but that really wasn't bad at all. Oh, but it was kind of bad not having anything to do during the day. Scratch that- it was kind of bad having Mom come home and say "You didn't do ANYTHING all day?" And you know, it still is, but having a full-time job should help with that. Now I'll do nothing all day, but I'll do it by a pool and get paid for it.      No, I'm just kidding! I'm actually going to be hyper-vigilant as a lifeguard so that nobody dies as a result of my negligence. Man, if some infant goes under the surface and drowns because of me, I'm going to be pretty crabby.      A girl here asked me to her prom, but then I didn't get a ticket in time to go. Yeah, I was pretty mad about that, but then I went to a club in DC with Kele Usilton instead. That was AWESOME! Oh exuberance! We were looking for a club that had actually gone out of business 4 years beforehand, so once we discovered its defunct status, we found another 18-and-up club called Black Cat that specialized in that emo rock stuff. Big scene for the gays, but nobody hit on me personally, so I was okay. Actually, upon seeing that Kel and I were the only ones dancing  (with Glo-stix obtained from Easton' Loews hardware store, no less), the DJ decided to play some more rave-type of stuff just for us. Isn't that sweet of him? Anyhow, we had a great big blast, and I was pretty tired the next day.      About a week later, I went to General Tannuki's (which I have now spelled wrong) just to see what was going on there. OK, I was bored. Anyhow, everyone there was really really nice and outgoing! I think I was introduced to every person in that place. Not that I remember all their names, but that's only natural. Apparently they have live music every Thursday night, so I'll have to check that out next time. Especially if I can find someone in Easton to go with me.      Memorial Day, I somehow wormed my way into attending a barbecue cookout conducted by Graype Gellie Productions. Oh, that's basically a bunch of guys from Easton High who like to make movies and obsess about anime in their spare time. And they're a bunch of major kooks, as well! Yuk yuk yuk! Actually, I had an awesome time. Especially when we played "Eye of the Tiger" on a portable stereo and ran behind joggers as an homage to Rocky... oh man, that was hysterical!      Afterwards, Josh Pinski invited me to his house. The place is absolutely amazing- simply full of stuff that guys like us love. And yet, it's also very clean and inviting, and there's a cat. I wanna go back.      Well, that was two days ago. I'll tell you, nothing's happened since then. Oh, Wal*Mart got in a shipment of Transformers- the infamous 2-pack of Autobot motorcycle and Decepticon motorcycle. They've each got weapons that glow menacingly when you press a button, extremely involved backstories, and clear parts of the head designed to channel light out through the eyes, making them appear to glow. A+ on this one, mates! I was going to get some G.I. Joes or a Jango Fett with grappling hook or J. Jonah Jameson from the Spider-Man movie(with weird haircut and desk-pounding action. Desk really shakes!), but those would be totally anti-climactic after these dudes. Go get 'em!      One more thing- the Cambridge movies are vastly superior to Easton's. Screens are much bigger, and the seating is much better.      One more "one more thing"- the community center, home of the ice-skating rink, has an original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game! Go play it!                             4/10/02- Okay, first time updating the journal in about two weeks. Let me give you an earful!      How did my blind date go, two weeks ago? Swimmingly. Her name is Vera, and she's so wonderful that I can't even stand it. We walked all around Harvard Square, and peeked in all the various shops, and ended up the whole thing with Monsoon Wedding at the Kendall theater, and Clueless and Crouching Tiger at her house. This was my first time seeing all of these movies, so it was an interesting evening cinematically.      Oh yeah, she and I seemed to get along rather well, too. Although it was weird meeting her parents on our very first date, and having to explain "yes, I'm a sophomore in college, and I'm dating your daughter." Yeesh. I think I did okay, though- her mom likes me. And MOMS RULE EARTH, so you have to do what they say.      I ended up sleeping on her couch downstairs. I like waking up in other people's houses-- it starts the day off with a sense of adventure. The day afterwards, she came over and I entertained her with my computer. Yes, I'm sure she was very impressed that my life revolves around a box of wires and circuits.      The week afterwards, lots of school-related stuff happened. But hey, that's not unusual for a school week there, folks! I went to a choir rehearsal Monday, when I forgot to bring my music and had to look over my neighbor tenor's shoulder. That turned out fine- I'd always wanted to smell him really really closely, but never had a good excuse to do so.      On an unrelated note, you ever take a really good look at your navel? That's a good, dependable knot the doctor tied in your umbilical cord, huh? A lot of stuff goes wrong with the human body, but that belly button hardly ever comes unravelled. Thank you, belly button, for keeping my guts in.      Oh, Spanish was a real bastard. This means nothing to you, gentle reader, but Thursday I had an oral exam, and a composition due Friday. So that's a lot of work assigned for two days in a row, don't you think? I think. Therefore, I am.      Sorry, I've decided to major in philosophy as well as psychology. But I'm getting to that. Let me lay down what happened in chronological (time) order, wouldja please?      That Friday, I also had a super-huge paper due in Experimental Psych. But I pulled an all-nighter, and called in all my amazing powers of statistical analysis, and it turned out okay. You can see it on the main page, if you like, since I've turned into a guy who has to show people who come to his website every single thing that he does. Um, moving on...      Friday I went to a play in which Vera was the... let me check my program... "Stage Mgr, Asst Director, etc." One of the "etc"s was costume wrangler. She had to get a bunch of wigs for a bunch of guys. I was gladdened when they used the theme from The Brak Show in a cooking segment.      Oh right, the play! It was the Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged), and I highly recommend seeing it if it's put on by competent actors, like this one was. It also helps a lot if you know a thing or two about Shakespeare.      Something unexpected happened during the play, which I can't say was a good thing- one of the actors, while involved in a fake fistfight (fake fistfight, fake fistfight, fake fistfight) got his front tooth knocked up INTO HIS GUM. And yet, he kept on going! He would periodically dab his bleeding mouth with a Kleenex, and keep playing his part. The man was amazing! Anyhow, the dentist is going to slowly pull that tooth back out of his gums over several visits. Then he'll have his toothy back! Yay!      Ben Weisman, you get the official homestead.pronwanker.com Thumbs-up of Approval for Theatrical Bravery. I hope you can see this thumb, because I'm sticking it up as hard as I can.      Afterwards, Vera and I went to a friend's apartment and stayed up really late and watched movies. I committed a minor faux pas in asking her friend an inappropriate question about her significant other, but it didn't totally ruin the evening. He and I talked about DJ Kosheen (in its entirety: Me- "I've heard this before- I think Kosheen's a chick." Him- "Huh. Watch me dance!")      Then all four of us watched a movie I brought-- Transformers, the Movie! I tell you, I have never received such an enthusiastic response upon suggesting this movie. Why doesn't anyone else want to see this? What's wrong with you people?       Anyhow, after that, we watched Neverending Story. I tried to explain exactly why I liked the bullies more than that whiny kid the movie's about. Then I took a nap, somewhere in the middle of it. Then we all went to sleep.      A note- Vera and I slept in the same bed that night, but that's all we did, was sleep. So, all y'all peeps coming at her, asking her to pee on a pregnacy test stick- lay off! Ain't no baby in there. An' if there is, I ain't the daddy! Lord, why am I even writing about this... oh, because it's 5:15 am and I'm staying up all night for no reason, despite the toll it's taking on my sanity. Got it.      Take the joy I get from waking up in another person's house, multiply it by 20, and that's how much I enjoyed sleeping next to Vera. It was really nice and comforting, and I give it two thumbs up. But these aren't the normal thumbs, the ones I put in the air upon tasting a scrumptious sandwich or an entertaining TV commercial. No, these are special thumbs... made of gold! When you consider how hard it is to get enough gold to make two thumbs out of, and then actually sculpt the gold-thumbs, you begin to understand how nice a night that was.      That reminds me, it's been a while since I've seen the James Bond Goldfinger movie.      Saturday she wanted to come over, but I said I was too busy figuring out my courses for next semester. In retrospect, since I ended up just sitting around and-- no, not doing anything else, just sitting around-- I should've let her come over. I've got to learn how to use my time more efficiently, but until then, I've got to learn how to waste my time in ways that are more fun. That would've been fun. Ah well. Wasted opportunities... oh, th' sadness.      Then it was back to my horrible existence as a college student.           Ugh, I still hadn't picked my classes on Monday. And I needed to, that was the thing.  So when I met my advisor, the best I could do was be vague about what I wanted to take after the summer. Then she told me that a bunch of the courses I'm taking towards the psychology major can be used for the various department requirements. Well! That basically means that there are a bunch of courses that I'm going to take which are electives. So I thought, why not use those extra courses to earn an extra major? So I'm going to major in philosophy as well as psychology.      Then, when I checked to see what courses were available, none of them were! I started freaking out! Next semester was in the crapper! So I was crabby about that for most of the day, when the amazing and handy and all-around awesome Sadie pointed out that I was looking at the wrong semester. I need to get her something nice in exchange for that, like... a house.      Which basically brings me to the here and now. Here, my computer in my room. Now, 6 am- that's 2 1/2 hours before I register for my classes. So, I'll get into all of those, and tomorrow (Thursday) I'll find out if I'm living in my preferred building, Metcalf. And I probably am, and I'm really looking forward to it. Oh, and I'll apply to get my job at the library back... Yeah, next semester's shaping up to be *quite* enjoyable.      Anywho, the sun's coming up, so I'm going to take a shower and do class readings for about two hours. Sorry this entry is so long, but I have a tendency towards cataloguing everything, including my life experiences. Alright, I'm out of here. 3/28/02- Ahoy me hearties! Something about a poop deck!      I'm back from spring break. The first thing to greet me is a whole load of work. I'm like, hello? You shouldn't be having tests and papers to do the week after spring break! Get your shit together, Tufts University!      Anywho, I have a paper to write tonight.  What I'm doing right now, writing about stuff, is known as "procrastination."      On the plus side of things, I have a date! No, not with the girl who I used to work with. I thought she was asking me on a date, but she just wants to partake of my wisdom and humorous capabilities. No no, my pets. This special lady is actually a blind date- a fix-up, you might call it. She's a friend of a friend I know personally, so she's only one person removed from me. My hopes are up. I am stoked. Wah. Hoo.        Oh, how was my spring break? My mother did her best to make it an all-out Hellfest for me, but I persevered! I did as I was told, but I didn't let her undermine my self-confidence. And I drank a lot. I especially had a super-fun time with Matt and Bridget, and I'm so proud that they both have websites. Matt, you are the scariest and funniest clown in town. That all-you-can-eat buffet almost became an all-you-can-vomit-because- Matt's-making-you-laugh-so-hard buffet! Ha ha!      Oh, I didn't tell my mom that I got fired from the library, and if you value your life, you won't either. Hmmm... I'm really hoping she doesn't find this site. Oh, why would she? I'm the only one who visits it!      So I applied to four places to work in the summer over the break. She told me to apply to five, but I fool her! She is a dumb! A WINNER IS ME!        So, now I'm back at college. Plum pa plum... nothing else to report. Oh, except I need to manage my time much better so that I can both sleep and get some schoolwork done, instead of forgoing both sleep and school for video games and fudgin' around on the Internet.     I've been listening to lots of MC Chris.  3/15/02, After the entry below- I've replaced my eyes with ice cubes, to stop that annoying burning sensation you get when you pull an all-nighter.      Perhaps I should begin at the beginning. After all, that's when things begin. (Maybe I should say "Before all." Nah.) Since the last entry, stuff has happened... so much stuff. Know what, folks?  Bill Clinton, our former president, decided to come to good ol' Tufts University and deliver a lecture on the war we're in, the situation in the Middle East, and what we can do to prevent another huge World War, this time with nuclear weapons being used by all sides.      Basically, if we increase foreign aid to other countries, it'll show that we're not a huge evil country who only wants to make everyone in the middle east miserable. If we give them money to build schools in the middle east, instead of constantly buying more bombs and jets for use in dropping them, not only will it be much much cheaper, but 3rd-world countries will stop seeing the States as "the Great Satan." Why doesn't George W know about this? I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I think it's because he thinks spending tons of money on the military will boost our economy.  And he's wrong. The war is all about approval ratings. If he really had some courage, he'd be trying to cooperate with middle eastern countries instead of bombing them indiscriminately, hoping that one of those bombs will hit bin Laden.      At any rate, his lecture was on Wednesday, and it was pretty cool to see him give a speech in person. Definitely something to brag about.   However, the only time I could stand inline to get tickets for his speech was Monday morning, which was when I was scheduled to work from 8:30 am to 10:00. I tried to find someone to cover the shift, so I could go get the tickets, but nobody would. So I went and I got the tickets, and when I saw my boss later that day, he told me I was fired.      Oh man, I still don't know what to think about that. I really wasn't expecting to get fired because of one missed shift. Basically, it was a huge shock! I don't react well to changes like that. It's nice that I don't have to get up at 8 for two mornings out of the week, and that I get to sleep in, but it's still a big change. What am I going to do for money after spring break? Suck dick for coke? What about the people I know at work, the people I've developed coworker-bonds with? If I run into one of them on the street, it's going to be really awkward. That is, unless I take the initiative and show that it's not such a huge deal, that I'm a survivor, and that I don't bear any hard feelings.      Even though I kind of do. Hmmmmmmm.      I wish I could have known that missing the shift would get me fired. At least then, I wouldn't have been waiting in line, completely oblivious to the fact that it was going to cost me my job. Ah well. "Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which one piles up first."  The point is, that's in the past. I've got to focus on the future.      And what do I have to look forward to, in the future? I'll TELL you, gentle reader- SPRING BREAK! Hangin' out in good ol' E-town, MD, with my home-slices (who know who they are) and sleeping a whole damn lot, and eating non-cafeteria food... basically taking a break from the whole college ratrace. Did I mention that I've had a bunch of midterm papers and exams over the past few weeks? Alas, it is all too true. On the flip side of the coin, Aw yeah, it is all too over! Yeah buddy!      Oh yeah, a girl asked me out on a date yesterday. I know! I was in total shock when I figured out that she had just asked me on a date. I know! I was just like, what now? Who date what? LOL!!!!1      Ironically, she works where I used to work oh-so-very-recently. I guess she wanted to ask me out before, but didn't, because it would've been one of those office romances that never work out. Or so I've heard. I've never worked with anyone attractive enough to get involved with before. Do you hear that, ACME employees? You are all ugly stupids! Some of you are fat chicks in deli hats!      Maybe that last comment needs some explanation. I used to work as a delicatessen clerk at my friendly local ACME market. Boy, it sucked out loud. The only good thing about that job was that I escape with all of my fingers intact. Oh, we were working with these meat-slicing machines all day. If you slip up, you could lose a good portion of one of your fingers. Yeah, that was a high-prestige job, alright...      But that's the past. That whole ranting, going-off-on-tangents thing? That's all past us now. Now there is nothing but the limitless horizon... that is to say, limitless hours on nights and weekends with Verizon!      What else, what else... oh, I just finished writing a paper about how John Stuart Mill (19th-century philosopher and gynecologist to the stars) would react to the movie Educating Rita (starring Michael Caine, some British broad, and a tribe of cyber-ninjas) and the motivations of the main character. If you're a really sick, twisted, demented individual, you can read it here(14 kb).   I called the file "Educating Mill." How fucking clever is that?      Besides all that, I have this weekend to basically sit around and do nothing, and then I get on the train to come home and sit around and do nothing except sleep. Well, that's not technically true- I'm also going to drink booze.  For those of you who are curious, I'm going to be boozing and snoozing from this Monday (the 18th) until the Sunday after that (the 24th). If you're in the area, feel free as a motherfucker to drop by, say hello, and be tied to a table rigged with a death device that probably won't work while I detail all of the steps of my elaborate scheme to rule the world, then leave the room so you can disarm the DeathKiller device and hit the self-destruct button on my secret underground base, effectively foiling my plot. Until the sequel, that is.      Where the hell did that come from?      Anyhow, this should help you get in touch with me.      Random observations: I'm enjoying writing and writing and writing, even though I feel more like sleeping. Then again, sleeping I'm good at. I could stand to write some more.      I've borrowed one of the Sandman Chronicles to read over the break. So far, it's pretty good. What smells like oranges in here?      Oh... rotten oranges. Deeeeee-lish!      Yeah, I think I'll yak at you people later. Pax out. Music: Catch, by Kosheen (which you can download here, should you so desire) 3/15/02- Why not make the font slightly bigger? Who's it going to hurt?   Wow, that has to be the lamest opening line of any journal entry ever. I'm going to come back with something more interesting. 3/09/02- This just in: see John Kricfalusi (creator of Ren & Stimpy)'s take on the Jetsons! Holy cats! This is going to air tomorrow on Adult Swim, but once I saw the links I just couldn't help myself. See part one here and part two here. Flash plugin required.   Anyhow, I've been inside all day watching 5 movies. Those movies? What are they?!? 1. Crumb- a pretty cool documentary about Robert Crumb, underground omics artist. At the very least, it's got a lot of drawings of naked women. Mostly it's pretty disturbing, since the guy likes to draw pretty disturbing stuff, mostly unflattering or demeaning depictions of women. Still a good flick, I'd say... it's directed by the same guy who directed Ghost World, which was damn awesome. 2. Invaders from Mars- an early sci-fi flick from the '50's. I guess it was good for its time, but it's really dated now. Really, really dated. But it was worth it, to see the alien that the news announcer in the Brak Show was based on. "You don't know anything! You're a fool!" 3. Spanking the Monkey- Um... it won a lot of awards at the Sundance Film Festival, but it's still very, very disturbing, since it's about a guy who has sex with his mom, then tries to kill himself, then almost has sex with her again, then tries to kill himself, then tries to have sex with her again, then tries to kill her... oh man. Get this one only if you have some kind of interest in incest. That's right, an incest interest. 4. Candide- a Leonard Bernstein musical based on a novel by Voltaire. It would've been really really good, except what I got wasn't a real stage production. It was just a bunch of choir people singing the parts of all the characters, minus all the dialogue, costumes, sets, and characters-being-played-by-different-people. So it was kind of hard to follow. 5. Beneath the Planet of the Apes- the second part of the original Planet of the Apes saga. Apes! Carlton Heston! An underground society of mutants with "strange powers of the mind" who all worship an unexploded atomic bomb! This is one part of the rockin' good saga of the Planet of the Apes, if you'll ignore the abominable fifth movie. That's the one where, somehow, apes and humans learn to live together in love and harmony, even though it actually takes place before the first movie. You remember the first Apes movie, where apes have enslaved countless numbers of humans? Yeah fifth movie, you seem to have forgotten to explain how and why that actually fucking happens!  But this one, the second one, is really good.   So! Um...    In a little over a week, I'll be back in good ol' Easton, Maryland. Man, I am ACHING for spring break. This whole "college" thing is really starting to grate on my nerves, especially these midterm exams and essays. Damn you, midterms! Damn you all to hell!   Well, I think I'll get up out of my comfy chair, and go take a shower. I'm beginning to smell like an ape. 3/09/02- Let's face it, I fucking love Adult Swim. And that's all I think I'm going to say about that.   Two people who signed my guestbook weren't really people. Spooky huh? (Sorry to start off with such a nerdy topic, but bear with me.) Apparently, it's good for your business if you go and sign random people's guestbooks. I'll bet they didn't even get a real person to do it- some program is going around finding guestbooks and signing 'em. You'll notice that they signed "I Like Your Guestbook!" and "This is the nicest gbook I've ever seen." First of all, why capitalize every word? Second of all, why abbreviate 'guestbook' to 'gbook'? Does it take up too much space in your program code, guestbook-signing program?   Also notice, they don't say they like my website. Just the guestbook. Apparently, this is so that, when the program is goin' around signing stuff, it doesn't sign the guestbook of someone who doesn't have a website. What kind of person gets a guestbook, but doesn't have a website? If you have a guestbook, but not a website, I think you deserve to have an impersonal program make a wry comment on the fact that you're only smart enough to make a place where your online loser friends can write stuff showing how much they pretend to like you, but not smart enough to offer anything creative to the world. Way 2 go, cyber-LOSER!   Well sir, I'm going to keep them around. I like machines, and now machines like me. It's like a full-circle kind of thing.   More on this later- I've got to pause my plans of watching 5 movies in one day while sitting on my ass, since I've been invited to dinner. More rants later on tonight, cyber-LOSER! REALLY OLD ENTRIES START AROUND HERE 12/9/01- Wow journal, I started an online journal today! But of course, you knew that... you're my journal! ROTFLMAO!   Okay, let me start over. I got a lot of noize in my head, but I can actually get some work done today, theoretically.   Hey, my daddy calls me! I talk to him now. Goodbye! Mood: Hungry for poopy poo Music: Bummy, by Aphex Twin 12/9/01, Later- Wow, a call from my dad... that was interesting. See, my mom and dad divorced when I was 2 years old, and my mom and I moved to Easton, MD. Now I'm going to collage at Tufts University(Yes, collage... I'm pasted to a piece of construction paper, along with a bunch of magazine clippings), and he's just half an hour away by car. I can actually make a call to him, and have it be a local call!   So, we talked about this, that, and the other. Some trivial shit, like the weather, our respective job, classes. And some more important... shtuff, like the passing away of his mother (my grandmother), the $4417 he's got in the bank for me when I turn 21 (Yes!), the two cousins on his side that I knew virtually nothing about, etc.   In other news, a week of finals, papers, and midterm retakes fast approaches. I actually intended to write a paper today... well, I can outline it today and write it tomorrow, or something. You know, I actually should have taken a year off before I came to Tufts- or I should have gone to a different university, like a nerdier but friendlier one. Ah well.   Yesterday, Anastasia came over, and I <3 how she noticed all the little details inherent in such a pathetically trendy college! That was just the shot in the arm I needed to realize that I'm not a freak, I'm the lone non-trendy guy here. Well, at least in my suite. Yippee, I have a brain and stuff!   Got in a snowball fight earlier today... it was scheduled for 3:00. They scheduled a snowball fight. I had to bump up my 3:30 snow angel-making session to 4:00. Sheezis. Nevertheless, it was fun.   I think that's enough for one day... Bai bai! Music- 4 by Aphex Twin Mood- I have moods? 12/10/01- Hey guys! Um... stuff. I'm on the phone with a girl from back home, who I'm hoping to go out with this summer.   Why can I not stop saying "poopy"?   Watch Invader Zim. Like here and stuff. 12/11/01- What have I done today? I took a quiz that I missed when it was given in class. I've worried. I ate lunch, and dinner. I contemplated the things I should have done, like my laundry, emailing my mom so she would buy me a ticket home from college, writing a paper so that I won't fail Intro to Philosophy, and taking a shower. Nothing productive.   Now I come back to my dorm room, and the assholes in my suite are getting drunk and listening to the equivalent of "Jock Jams." Rather than do anything that I should do, I'm going to go to a "Student Film Festival." Maybe it will lessen the depression and the misanthropy...   Oh no, I'm 10 minutes late! Ba-leave! Music: "Who let the Dogs Out" by Satan Mood: Indicative (foreign languages in-joke. Go bite me.) 12/11/01, later- Uh, the film thing was yesterday. Now I can do my laundry, email my mom, etc. Know what, as soon as my whites and darks are done, I'm going to go join the naked quad run thing. Maybe I'll get drunk enough to forget that I hate everyone (note: that doesn't take a lot.)   Oh yeah, I meant to put the latest entry into this thing at the top, but I forgot, and "Sitebuilder" doesn't let you cut and paste anything. Kind of sucks. ANNOUNCEMENT: The latest entries will be on the bottom of the page! Yay!   I'm feeling a little better, if only for the fact that my laundry's being a-washed.... yeah, that's it. Only reason. Oh, and everyone in the suite left to go get drunker somewhere else! Ya!   If I do go run around the quad naked, as the tradition goes, I just hope I'm not doing it completely by myself. Naked and alone? That's the textbook definition of sad right there. Music: Wolfsheim Mood: Could it be... hopeful? Hopefully not misanthropic. 12/12/01- Last night was... well, I don't regret it as much as I thought I would. Mostly I'm happy that I made some new friends. They are friendly to me, these friends.   Want a good grade in Latin... Don't want to study for it. Story of my life! I very much want to go home. An exam tomorrow, another the day after, two papers and an exam on Monday. Wheee hoo! Music: Playgirl, by Ladytron Mood: Overwhelmed, but denying it. 12/13/01- Cluh, I'm headachey. I woke up this morning to a cold and a Latin 3 exam. I didn't bring a Kleenex to the exam... so I had to blow my nose with the answer key, then I asked for a new one, and they accused me of cheating and had to give me a zero. So I'm going to fail the course.   Ha ha, that was a fun little fantasy! In fact, I just had the sniffles through the exam. I think I did okay, as in, I don't think they'll kick me out of the school based on my performance on it. The worst part of this morning was actually waking up and having practically no hearing in my left ear. Scary scary! Of course it was a side effect of the cold, but I thought I'd damaged my hearing with the earplugs that I wear to bed (since my suitemates are so damn loud. Cocks!).   Then I had to walk to the bank, in punishingly cold weather. I wanted someone to shoot my mucus-filled head.   But hey, I was disease-free this semester up until now, which is pretty good for a guy with no parental or roommate-al supervision.   Oh, and there was an article mentioning me in our humor magazine, The Zamboni. It felt really weird.   Not to mention, I have two exams and two papers to take care of in the next four days, and I'm supposed to eat dinner with my dad on Tuesday even though I haven't seen him in a year, and when I do come home I'll have to impress the first girlfriend I've had in two years that I'm a good boyfriend.   My official mood is now nervous! Music: Meat Beat Manifesto- Everything Counts Mood: Nervous (officially) 12/15/01- This paper haunts me. I try to write it...and it resists! What kind of demonic paper resists being written?   I went to South Station this morning to buy my train tickets home and back here again... I can't wait until I use them. To go home. On the train. For further explanation, email frogurt42@hotmail.com I say!   So then I came back and screwed around 'til 8 in the evening, when we started a movie marathon across campus (our "Pythonathon"). That went pretty well- we saw Waiting for Guffman and Transformers: the Movie. Look, they're all underliney.   And I got some booze to take with me back home. I will be a hero to the people who know me personally, are underage, and do not know how to obtain alcohol aside from legal means! Don't laugh, I was just like that in high school. And still am.   I thought of a title for my next polka album: "Do the Hokey Polka." Yeah. It's coming to a music store near you, wherever fine nonexistent albums are sold.   Anyways, I'm going to get back to this paper I'm writing before I die of bad grades. Music: State Songs, by John Linnell Mood: Well, tired. Duh. 12/17/01- Ha ha ha ha ha! I defeat you, two papers! I have conquered an intro course. Truly, I am superior. Universal conquest is mine!   Seriously though, I had to stay up two nights in a row to write those bastards. I went from "wow, it's funny the kinds of things you say when you stay up all night" to "I should kill myself." Oh yeah, I talked about death a lot, the past two nights. It was a really weird trend- I would try to plot out the course of a paragraph, then I would look away and think about death. At one point, I motivated myself to write the rest of a paper with the following thought: "I'll just write it until I die" and "Maybe this next paragraph will kill me... that would be good."   At any rate, they're handed in, and I can resume the life of a crime-fighting octopus-boy once more. Huzzah!   Soon I'll be going home for the winter break, so you can expect a big gap in entries in this thing until maybe mid-January. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sleep.   Until I die. 12/19/01- I am a ninja pooper from the future. In my time, ninjas are all but *wiped out* (note: you have just witnessed a bad joke made by a crazy boy. Made of corn. The boy, not the joke.).   Um, I'm actually cleaning up my room so that I can find the right stuff to pack when I leave for home tomorrow. Yep. Expect a big gap in the time between this lil' entry and the next one, dial-up at home is the explanation.   I had a thought the other day: people should disagree more. To be more specific, friends should disagree with each other more. Being friends with someone shouldn't guarantee that you agree with everything they say.   Random sequence of observations:   I can't wait to go home and watch Golden Girls with my mom!   Wow, I really do need to pack...   Is easily-stylable hair a superpower? If it is, I'm a superhero. The hair-gel gendarme!   Hello! My name is bingo, I like to climb on things! Can i have a banana? Eek eek.   If you watch Josie and the Pussycats: the movie, you will be impervious to all advertising for the rest of your life. Really. See, it's an ANTI-commercial movie.   What the hell was the original JatP about?   I abbreviate Josie and the Pussycats real good!   Soon I will achieve my lifelong goal of having antennae. I bought some hair gel.   Always remember to put your vodka in two pairs of socks. Otherwise, it's going to break.   What's going on with the band Mechanical Janitors? Are they a cult?   I love the Onion.   And when I woke up, my pillow was gone!   I don't understand nicknames.   Pardon me, I thought "Bamboozled" was a comedy. Lighten up, Spike Lee! </randomness>   Anyways, I was going to have dinner with my dad today, but he got some kind of flu and he couldn't do it. Oh well, there's always next year...   It's kind of ironic that people plan to do this stuff during finals, like dinners with relatives and trips to local goth clubs It's only the busiest time in a student's semester, finals are. At any rate, I still have to pack and figure out how I'm going to wake up early enough to leave for the train. It's amazing- I had dinner, and now I don't even feel like moving. I would take a nap, but I covered my bed with books when I was looking for the stuff I want to read at home. Oh such a dilemma!   This is funny- I set my alarm for 8 this morning so I could go to work, but I accidentally set it for 8 pm. So I slept through my shift, and now it's 8 at night and the darn thing goes off. Dadgummit!   I'm going to really get cracking here, peoples... I leave! 1/20/02- Am I back? OH FUCK YES!   Holy mackerel, I haven't updated this site in over a month! I feel like the worst guy in the world. Hey wait a minute... this is proof that I have a life. Take that, everyone who has gotten the impression that I am a dork! (Note: the phrase "who has gotten the impression that I am a dork" is superfluous in the preceding sentence. It's everyone.) (Note: that whole digression was dum. Sorry.)   Anyways, what the hell! Winter break was fun fun. Mostly. Mostly I rented movies and watched them lying on the floor of my room, a bottle of vodka in one hand and myself in the other. Woo hoo!   Of course, the main reason I put a VCR in my room in the first place was to watch porn. God, I love porn. I've also discovered this site, which fucking kicks ass. I have resolved to kick more ass this new year!   Speaking of new year's and kicking ass, my new year's kicked ass. I was in a hot tub with a bunch of hot chicks. Then we watched some bad movies (in my opinion) (Moulin Rouge and Jurassic Park 3. JP3 was watchable, but Moulin Rouge cannibalized other songs for its musical numbers and had no shot lasting more than 3/4 of a second.) And then we drank champagne. Of course, like a true gentleman, I took advantage of none of them because they are all my close friends and their parents would KICK MY ASS if I did.   Boy, it all comes back to kicking ass, doesn't it? Ass-kicking is the glue which holds the world together.   When I got back to my dorm room, I plugged in my computer, pushed the on button... and nothing happened. Long story short, I had to order a new part, open up the big box thing, take out the old part and put the new one in. So arduous! But anyhow, it's working quite properly now.   And yet, I have to wonder... is this damned contraption going to sap my will to the point where I don't hang out with actual people or go outside until late, late at night when the bright sun will not burn itself into my bloodshot eyes?   Naaaaahhh!!   So, my courses are picked, I know what times of the week I'm working, and I'm actually studying sporadically. I think I'm going to be... *dramatic pause* okay.   PRESIDENT BUSH IS A BAD PRESIDENT. HE WANTS TO USE LAND MINES. LAND MINES INJURE MORE INNOCENT PEOPLE THAN BAD GUYS. Plus, I'm getting sick of looking at American flags everywhere I go. Mood: un-fucking-patriotic, but otherwise okay Music: Melodies from Mars, by Aphex Twin P.S. My pet project now is to get a credit card. With a credit card, I can afford a better site, with more pages, more space for mp3s (or short movies) and NO POP-UP ADS. No ads of any sort, in fact... I've got to get a credit card. 1/21/02- It's 2:30 in the morning, but at least I've made some minor cosmetic changes to a website that gets like 5 hits a week. All from me.   Seriously, I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one who comes here. For what it's worth, I think it's a damn good site. I intend to visit it again!   It's nice to get feedback from my reader.... me. Well, I have to get to bed so I can get up at 10 to work a scant half-hour. Why just half an hour? It's a long story. Wait, it's a stupid story. That's why I'm not telling it. Mood: Shit fuck God I'm in hell lovely. Music: b001e- Everyday is Halloween 1/27/02- On the plus side, I've been getting a lot more sleep lately. It's hard to adjust to getting up at 8 to work 2 days out of the week, and at 9 for classes 3 days of the week. Last semester, I never got out of bed before 11. So of course... it's hard to adjust!   I'm also getting out a lot more than I used to, mostly due to the influence of two lovely ladies on campus. You know, it's really nice not to be a hermit! Went out drinking last night with one of them and her friends, and it was fairly enjoyable. Hell, I'd even say it was fun! Yahoo I had fun bla bla yay!   I almost stayed in that night to update my site, but then I thought, "My God, that's the lamest thing I've ever thought. Go out and have a life, boy!"   Meanwhile, my teacher from last semester gave me an Incomplete for his class. I freaked out, sent him an email asking for an explanation, and he said my grade would be fixed to something Complete as soon as he graded a quiz of mine. Guess what? It's two weeks into the new semester, and for all intents and purposes, I still have an Incomplete. Get on the ball, Professor! Grade that shit already!   Invader Zim, the coolest cartoon on television, is being cancelled. Go here for all the episodes they've aired so far.   Anyhow, I'm going to update the music on the main page, and then go put some food in me. 2/19/02- Oh man. So much has happened... so very much. I'm goin to try and work backwards in describing all the stuff which has happened to my person (i.e. me).   Well, I stayed up all through last night to write a paper for class, but it unexpectedly turned out to be a good paper. Of course I was wiped out the rest of the day, and I am struggling even now to remain conscious. Hey, Mountain Dew!   I enjoyed this past 3-day weekend- although I didn't exactly go out and party (which I hardly ever do in the first place), I did buy a bunch of those long skinny balloons, and I made a bunch of balloon animals! Yeah buddy! Sunday night, I made a balloon doggie, and a balloon wrist-guard thing, and I kind of combined them into a balloon poodle raygun. Pew pew pew! Pewdle! (3 sound effects and a pun)   I've been downloading a lot of Space Ghost eipsodes off of Morpheus (a popular file-sharing program). In fact, I've been doing it so much that it's edging out playing Super Mario World as the thing I do to avoid studying or doing homework. Especially since I beat King Koopa... man, it's all downhill from here.   Reflecting on the Morpheus and the Super Nintendo-playing I keep doing to avoid work... I'm beginning to think that's bad. Bad in that, not only does it keep me from interacting with people, but it's also not even remotely constructive (like this here site). It's just, sitting around playing games and watching cartoons. That's fine as an occasional diversion, but I've been using it as a means of escape from my life. My LIFE. And all the duties, surprises, joys, etc that come with it. I can't keep doing that. I can't keep escaping into a sort of computerized numbness when I don't feel like thinking or feeling.   Some people are self-motivated- they go out every day and face the challenges put in front of them, and they love every second of it That is NOT me. I have little confidence that I can defeat the obstacles thrown in my way by life. I am ruled by fear- fear of ridicule, fear of failure, and so on and so on. I'd like to say "But not anymore!" here, but habits aren't that easy to snap out of. There are no easy answers.   I suppose I will take more control of my life. If being in charge of my own destiny doesn't give me the confidence need to be happy... well, I suppose I'm just totally fucked. P.S. The next time you want to say "I'm totally fucked," say "I'm totally fisted" instead. It works really well if you make the accompanying hand gesture (make a fist, and jam it up an imaginary orifice) at the same time. You'll be thought of as clever and original, even though I actually came up with it. P.P.S. I could use this forum to bitch about a specific person I know- let's call her "Steve"- but Steve might read this and then she'd get all upset. So if you want to, you could come up to me and say "Hey, what's the deal with this 'Steve' girl?" and then I would tell you all about how Steve done me wrong. Unless you are Steve. In which case, it's going to be awkward between you and me, Steve-a-rino. Especially since you're a girl with a guy's name. But that's not my fault, now is it, Steve? 2/23/02- Oh my... I was rather bitter when I wrote that last P.P.S. And I think I punctuated PPS wrong, too. Oh Steve, I'm sorry. I love you! Let's never fight again.   Meanwhile, I've got to find a party tonight with girls and booze, or I'm going to go nuts. In fact, what am I doing at this here computer?   Oh right, it's 5 pm. Damn.   I want to start a new page on this site, but I can only have 3 maximum. I think I'll start working on a links page (since everyone and their mother has one on their sites). 3/9/02- I'm going to do something retarded, and put all the most recent entries at the TOP of this page from now on. Go up!   ~~ End Transmission. OR: Transmission in Remission. ~~

Welcome to my amazing journal of amazingness. Recently I decided that the most recent entries will be at the very top, and entries will sometimes be more rant-oriented. CAUTION: REMEMBER NOTHING FROM THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT REPEAT ANYTHING YOU HAVE READ HERE. WHEN FINISHED READING, INJURE THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT REMEMBERS STUFF READ ON BADLY RUN WEBSITES.